Cows is people too.

The average American consumes 200 hamburgers per year.*


American cattle are injected with gallons of BGH (Bovine Growth Hormone) that in turn is ingested by humans and causes girls to reach puberty at a much younger age than ever before seen in history.

This, coupled with the fact that all little girls are whores, leads to overpopulation and shrinking resources that will eventually lead to the demise of the entire human race.

Cow calves are kept in tight stalls in the dark and force-fed nothing but milk in order to ensure their muscles are soft and underdeveloped for veal steaks.

My roommate refuses to do the dishes and I'm flat broke and can't order a pizza.

For all of the aforementioned reasons, I, Daniel Kilpatrick Ebenezer Naponiello VII, am hereby beginning a hunger strike.

Following in the footsteps of such great Americans as Homer Simpson and Mahatma Ghandi, I will not touch a single morsel of food until the conditions facing the bovine species in the meat production industry improve (you know, besides the whole inevitably being murdered, dissected, and eaten by me part).

I am not an idiot. I understand that improvements in this field are going to be slow going in order to reach the level at which I think are, at the very least, adequate. It will take years, maybe even decades, and I am prepared to keep this hunger strike going for as long as it takes.

I will not be budged.

I will not be dissuaded.

I will not be tempted off my path of civil disobedience.

I am but a man, taking a single step in the right direction in hopes of starting a revolution. Would I call myself a hero? Definitely. And so should you. But I am not doing this for you. I am doing this for all the children out there who should be free to moo incessantly and obnoxiously at the top of their lungs and annoy the piss out of their parents as they pass every farm on the way to Grandma's house, and know deep in their cold black little hearts that those cows chewing cud and shitting where they sleep, have healthy undrugged flanks of deliciousness.

Oh fuck yes! I just found a bag of freezer-burnt frozen french fries. Screw that hunger strike shit. I'm fucking starving.


*all facts in this post are completely made up. stupid.